A Praying Problem

Detoxing from Distorted and Misplaced Worship Practices

“….When religious ideologies and their associated spiritual practices begin to take us away from our lives instead of connecting us with the center of ourselves, we need to be willing to let them go.”
– Mirabai Starr (Tender Mercies: Living the Fierce and Tender Wisdom of the
Women Mystics)

I used to have a praying problem. Maybe I still do - particularly if you add in ritual, fire, bells, incense, food and music (bhajans, to be precise) and I can be hooked, right back where I left off. After almost two decades in a Hindu sect (who also believed in Christian Orthodox prayers as well) I am detoxing from the prayers I loved and am trading them in for silence. For over 10 years in our community temple, I woke up early in the morning, put on a sari, tilak and put together the plates of food and conducted prayers (called puja in Sanskrit). At first it was mostly done alone, and then there was a whole community that gathered with me. It was rocking, sweet, and fulfilling. Yes. I did this every day for over 10 years. Add on to this the prayers that we periodically did in the evening, the weekend yagnas (fire ceremonies) and even a weekly healing circle and prayers were my life. I loved prayers. I still do.

And now I am detoxing.

Early on in my prayer life with this community, I learned that when I was doing prayers to what appeared to be an idol, I was really acknowledging those aspects *of* myself, *within* myself, that are represented by the Deity. It was never meant to be an external form of worship, although it appeared that way to outsiders, and maybe to some insiders who didn’t have a deep experience engaged in prayers.

We were taught that Hinduism, like Christianity, is a religion of form. We need to give the mind something to focus on, as it can’t by itself grasp the concept of the unseen God. The overloading of the senses in Hindu prayers – the *intensity* is meant to overwhelm the senses and ‘put them in check’ so to speak, forcing the practitioner inwards. Doing the prayers in Sanskrit adds an additional layer of ‘energy’. Incorporate a meditation practice, and service to the national and international community through teaching and sharing, and I pretty much felt as though I was *praying* all of the time.

Now I am practicing silence.

The devotion of physical time to this prayer practice and community was taken to a whole new level when I sold everything and bought a retreat center with a spiritual business partner (don’t get me started on that combination – that is another story) and moved in with ten other people, including a swami (referred to as B.S., or Bad Swami, in other writings). This may be old news for you who have been following my Substack, but I wanted to provide a little background for those you that are new to my sharing.

Prayers that had once been so beautiful for me and had felt so internal, began to transform into something sinister.

Yes. Sinister.

I realized after my exit that the rituals and prayers can be used as a tool that no longer edifies and connects a person with their inner Divinity but can be used to control and manipulate the participant. While this cult mechanism is worth a longer dive, Prayers, when directed to the God “out there” and not within, prayers that are begging, prayers that are demanding and prayers that are for show, and prayers that are so long and exhausting, leaving little time for sleeping and eating, are not really prayers. Or, at least they not healthy ones that bring forth that awareness and connection to the heart and soul. It is a sinister move to take the joy of the prayer that brings awareness to the Self and directs it to something that no longer truly connects one with their inner divinity.

Breaking the Habit

My detox routine has been influenced through several things. First, I knew I had a problem and something was wrong when I began the disassociation from the community. I allowed myself a lot of reflection and …. Prayers. Initially I had to overcome the fear and absolute anxiety over what might happen if there was a disconnect from the guru, the group and the deity(ies) whose forms I love. I started by adding something new into my routine – silence. I allowed myself to pause the rituals. To this “silence” I added more conscious awareness of the five-step process taught by the Unity New Thought movement (which, by the way, can be a silent version of a sequence in all of the Hindu formal prayers.)

This pause gave me the courage to read new books and to try new meditations. The pause somehow removed the guilt of contemplating the teachings of some of the lesser known American based New Thought teachers: Charles and Myrtle Fillmore and Emily Cadie and Eric Butterworth. Comparing them to what I learned through decades of practice in my former group has only enhanced my understanding, acceptance and awareness of my own Divinity.

My love and relationship with the Divine has grown stronger, sweeter and more grounded in authenticity, and I find that within my Self.

Groups with dogmatic rituals, or who utilize fear (e.g. you will have lifetimes of misery if you step out of our group) or whose people are exhausted, tired and crabby from lack of sleep because of prayers aren’t necessarily praying. Ask yourself, “Do I feel more connected to myself?” “Do I find the Divine within me?” “Does the practice support my inner strength, peace and connection with God internally?” and “Am I becoming a better, healthier and more loving person because of my prayers?”

If you can’t answer YES! Then you might try a little time in silence.

Living L.E.A.F.

I AM Divine Love and experience this fully when I allow myself time with my Self
I AM Enough and recognize this in my times of silence
I AM Abundant and allow the acceptance of all the gifts that flow from, through and to my Self.
I AM Free and am always supported by the ever available Divine goodness, especially when I sit in silence.